I've been playing open mic nights consistently now and it's still the most fun I get to have these days. I played a bunch of really old songs last night for the first time that are very very different from the stuff I've been doing recently. It was hella scary and I had to wear a hat to cover my eyes but the reaction was surprisingly good. This makes me happy.
I don't usually look forward to the New Year at all because I have a hard time accepting that when I wake up tomorrow anything will feel different. January 1 usually feels a lot like December 31.
It doesn't bother me so much this year. December 31 felt better than December 30, which by all accounts was better than any day I could think of off the top in my head in November. January 1 could very well be a good day.
I'm still not going to make any kind of resolutions, though. Sure I have plenty of shit to figure out but I'd just as happily have all the answers between now and midnight rather than anytime in 2007, so I don't know if that really qualifies as a "New Year" thing.
Tomorrow may not truly be a new beginning but what it IS is one day sooner than January 2 and so whatever the hell is wrong with your life, I encourage you to start fixing it right away. None of the promises you make tonight count for shit until you wake up tomorrow ready to make something happen.
And if you fuck up and you sleep too late and your head hurts and you can't get your lazy ass out of bed tomorrow to make the effort, then fucking start on January 2 because, although I'm no goddamn mathemagician, Windows XP (tm) does come with a "Calendar" feature, and by all accounts, January 2 comes before January 3.
So fucking get on it and I hope all of your May 4s are better than your May 3s.
Today I recorded my first song w/ my new guitar. So check it out if you're interested and let me know what you think even if you think it's fucking garbage.
soon, something is going to make me feel the way i used to
i was a wreck but i survived the whole ugly thing and i was loved by people who were worth loving
i was a lot of fun between my "fits." we'll call them "fits" now, ok?
the last of my grandparents died 3 weeks ago or so and my mom's freakishly huge catholic family just keeps getting smaller by the year but my god there are still so many of us it's hard to tell we're shrinking
the funeral home knows all of our faces now. that hardly seems fair.
my grandmother had to bury 3 of her children. freaking three. i dont even know where the third one came from. there's still a billion though and nobody really cries much anymore at the funerals.
something is going to fix me soon and i'll start doing things like 'having emotions' again. i am bored of not feeling anything.
i wonder what it'll be. i hope it's music. i went to my first punk show in years back in august. i got to see lifetime. i was so old but i just pretended i wasn't and then when the whole thing was over i couldn't walk. that's exactly how it used to be. i lost my voice and my legs stopped working and i was soaked in sweat.
that was as close to 2002 as i've gotten since a few years back, circa 2002 or so. remember 2002? i was mad about something, i'm sure. the world probably owed me a whole shit ton because someone treated me unfairly and i was probably pretty sure that i was going to get what i was owed.
i sure hated 2002. i was such a fucking idiot.
next time 2002 comes around, i'm going to totally get it right.
QB - Tom Brady WR - Steve Smith WR - Marvin Harrison WR - Donald Driver WR - Matt Jones RB - LaDainian Tomlinson RB - Mike Bell TE - Dallas Clark DEF - Jacksonville K - Adam Vinatieri
Bench: J. Delhomme D. Rhodes D. McAllister C. Jackson M. Pollard A. Randle El
there are so few people who genuinely give a shit about anybody or anything other than themselves that i have stopped believing that i matter to anybody.
people are disgusting and selfish. nobody looks out for anybody. i watch horrible, ugly people get rewarded for their behaviour. no one cares about honesty or integrity or even the basic fundamental shit like fucking KINDNESS.
what the hell are we doing?
every day it feels more and more like i should be fighting a goddamn war against all of this. i want to so badly but this shit all kicked my ass long before i knew what was going on. i want to get my shit together and get past all of this but it's fucking hard when it feels like i've got nobody on my side.
if your friends do nothing but fucking bring everyone down then you need new friends. the ones you have are all assholes. and if you don't believe me, the news gets even worse because you're an asshole, too.
my misery is fucking mine. i carry it with me and i do everything i can to keep it as close to my heart as possible. i still find the fucking time to be a decent human being. i don't want to spread it.
i just want all the bad people to fucking rot.
i'm going to get a grasp on this and i am going to fight this war. i can't do it right now but i'll figure it all out soon and when i do, lookthefuckout, because if you thought i was a self-righteous prick before...
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insomniakiller's journal
